This year has been.... Well, I'm sure you guys know.
With everything that has gone on in the world, you wake up and either feel super grateful that you're not sick or feel depressed that we live in 2020 and things such as racism still exists.
This year has been one heck of a rollercoaster, and I'm sure everyone can feel the nausea and uncertainty of what is next. It's scary.
Ever since Covid, essential businesses have had to stay open. Since I work at a medical clinic, we've had to set certain protocols at work. I didn't have the chance to put my life on pause and grieve the boringness of sitting at home in isolation. I had to be out there in the craziness. Not only did I have to work during that time, but I had to stay calm through it all and stay on top of all the new working standards all while managing to keep my staff and physicians work place safe.
I put my life on the line every single day and I can't even imagine how all the other essential workers were feeling during this time. From having 7 employees dealing with 9 physicians down to 3 employees dealing with the same 9, it felt like whiplash having to deal with everything day by day unsure what will be coming next. We couldn't leave the clinic until we made sure our tasks were dealt with. When we would go home, we'd work even more, making sure results were being uploaded, that schedules were kept up-to-date. I would work countless hours - And I worked that way for 3 whole months. I'd be up and at work by 8am and I wouldn't leave until 9pm sometimes 10pm at night. And if I wasn't at work, I was working at home until about 1-2 am in the morning. It was INSANE.
I felt super overwhelmed and I would cry non stop for hours. I was overworked and immensely tired. I was literally over it by the time June hit and we got the 3rd phase announcement that gatherings were now up to 50-100 people at a time. By then, physicians were unhappy with how their practices were doing, there were constant meetings 7-days a week about what we need to do to keep up with our new normal, and honestly everyone was just fed the f*** up.
Finally I got the go to hire more employee's. The ones that went onto CERB didn't essentially want to come back which was fair, but it meant doing everything all over again. Re-training new employees to meet the physicians standards, making sure things were still dealt with on a timely manner, it felt like the chaos was never going to end.
Eventually, things did get better. I got through it and I FINALLY got to take a day or two off since all of this started. Of course, there are nights where I'll still cry over how stressed I have been and how many things I still have to deal with. But, without the help of the physicians and my staff, I wouldn't have made it up to where my mindset is currently at.
I realized that although I've put a lot of my time and effort in growing this business from literally the ground up, I know that I am absolutely replaceable. I mentioned this in another post to "remind yourself that when times are tough, and you're aiming for something bigger and better for yourself, that the job you currently have - is temporary" and somehow I lost myself within all of this from when I wrote that post to now. The owners were no where to be found during this time, and a lot of responsibility was left for me. And what irritated me the most was I kept up with all the bullshit and I did what I had to do for the sake of everyone working in the clinic. Wage was never the issue for me, I think it had more to do with my time, and when that was taken away from me, I felt taken advantage of.
A handful of physicians had confronted me about how tired I looked, that it was now that we had to speak up to the owners, and that it was not fair to me especially with everything going on. I didn't have my voice - I felt incompetent and honestly embarrassed that they had to notice what was going on with me for me to remotely do anything about it.
Responsibilities were slowly taken off my shoulders. Weight that I was carrying this whole time I didn't even realize because I was so focused on just getting things done. And one of them was billing, a job that companies actually have a full-time employee do for them. It brought me income, I could say that much, but like I said - It costed me my time. And when it was taken off as one of my responsibilities, I literally felt like I could breath again.
One of my physicians had asked me how I felt after she found out I was no longer doing billing. She asked if I was okay with that since she knew that it was a good source of "better income". I told her it was a surprise to me that it was one of the responsibilities being taken from me but I told her that I feel better and that at this point I'd rather receive less pay and more time on my hands to do other things. She smiled at me and said "that's the right attitude". Later that week, she left me a care package which included gift cards, a spa package, and a card that wrote:
I felt a sense of encouragement, and although it was the most simplest type of gift, it meant a lot to me. That my work didn't go unnoticed even though I felt it did. So I always encourage other supervisors, managers, business owners for that matter, to always appreciate those working for or with you. Essential workers: Ya'll are the best!
I have been back and forth with R about how I want to just take time off and that I wish I wasn't the type of person to worry so much about literally everything. I had different intentions at a young age when I started my first job at 16, I wanted to make it on my own without the help of my parents, but I wanted to be like them. I wanted the big house with a huge lawn, and I wanted the materialistic things that only money could buy. And by doing that, I had to live up to a certain expectation where I would be known to work hard for my money. And although that mindset still somewhat remains till this day, I realized that it's okay to ask for their help from time to time. When they offer to help, I'm more willing. And if I could take back how I engraved this whole mindset about working hard will get you to where you want in your life, I would take it back 100%.
Generations have completely evolved where we don't necessarily have to work at full capacity to "be where we want in our lives" but that living in complete happiness regardless of your situation is the ultimate goal. Don't get me wrong, only those that work extremely hard, and put in the amount of hours to generate such a lifestyle are now those that either no longer work for their money or are doing something they absolutely love doing. I'm sure we all have our fair share of stress because of work, but ask yourself whether that stress is worth it because you love your job or not. I can say most of us would say no.
I'll never get back that time, and I know that some may think it's unrealistic to think this way, but if you keep wondering why, you'll eventually understand your why has meaning. Why not take that time off? Why work over-time when you could be out and enjoying time with the people you love most? Believe it or not, questioning why may benefit you in so many ways.
I can't live this way, and I refuse to dig myself deeper into this hole. So, here I am telling you guys that I am going to try harder.
I am going to try harder to work my normal hours, to stop stressing so much when it's not needed.
I am going to be present with my friends and family while I still can. I want to make up for all those times I decided work was more important than making amends with friends I haven't spoken too in months. I want to feel more alive and at some point, hopefully when Covid comes to an end, I'll go on more trips and experience new things.
I want to fall in love again, have deep and thoughtful conversations, laugh, and go on mini road trips for no reason. I refuse to only conversations with my partner be about work. I want to be this happy again... We posed for this picture, yet it was candid because of what he said and how hard I laughed before the shot was taken. This shit is PRICELESS.
I want to learn something new and take the time to cultivate it into something beautiful. I have to STOP worrying. And by doing that, I have to take this as a learning curve - Find my way through all of what happened these past 4-5 months, and see the positive side of things.
I can guarantee that once I stop letting my job take over my life, I've won. Covid has hit many of us in so many ways. I am so grateful that my closest friends and family have not been affected by it - And although, to many, this may be a complaining post about how awful it may have been for someone that never experienced it head on. But to say the least, we all suffer in different ways, and we all come out of this completely different. Going through this has taught me to not only be more cautious of what I touch or how to safely distance myself from people, but that time away from your loved ones can impact your life in so many other ways than one. It proves how much we may have taken our lifestyles for granted and that moving on from this could very well be a turning point for a lot of us.
We're over the half-way point of 2020 so I think it's about time we make the best out of this year regardless of the circumstances.
So here is to the rest of 2020.